Dear My-Ha

I regret everything with you.
I regret getting with you. Falling for you. Have real feelings for you. Falling in love with you.

You were the best to me. Treated me like a king. Looked out for me, looked after me, loved me, cared for me, but most importantly, just being there when I needed cheering up or when I needed a friend to make me smile.

I wasn't the best to you, I know that, you know that and it's pretty obvious everyone could see that too, but when I say I love you and only you, I mean it.

I fell in love with you because of you. You made me happy and you are funny.

So that's why I have to break up with you, because all of the above does not matter if I feel the way I do. Do I make sense? No, I know I don't, and I'm sorry if I cannot explain myself.

I am being selfish and I don't even want to try and make things work. Come to think about it, I probably do regret meeting you. I regret asking you out, I regret everything. So please stop asking questions on why I feel like this, because you are too dumb to understand. Get it through your thick skull that I don't want to be with you!

You are insane, you are crazy, you are not stable, you are paranoid, you are jealous and you are not the one for me. Not now, not ever.

Fuck off!

Yep, that's pretty much how it all went down.

Do I deserve such treatment? Am I not allowed to get a clearer understanding of everything? Am I thinking too much?
I deserve so much more!

Gosh!

God, I was so in love when I read back on the post I've done in the past few months. So in loved without thinking what could happen in the near future. Too caught up in love perhaps? Yeah, I was, and I was really happy, so I didn't care.
Be careful when you fall in love, because it never lasts forever.

Feeling really stressy, probably more anxious, for my return back to work.
I've missed it, and I've been missing it due to personal problems. Why did it have to be me that had to do everything? Why does it have to be me that everyone is talking about? Why don't people just leave me alone? Why are my ears burning?

BECAUSE I AM BEING GOSSIPED ABOUT!

So how the fuck am I going to be normal, and my usual self when I go into work? Are you fucking kidding me?
You tell me, everyone is talking about me, and you tell me people are laughing about me, so how the fuck do you think I will be fine when I return to work? Just ignore it yeah? Easier said than done.

I'm in physical pain, and I literally cannot move. Someone kill me now!

It fucking sucks. I am so fucking upset. I am so fucking angry. At you, at my health, at this fucking scar, at life!

FUCK ALL OF YOU'S!

I hate everything.
I rather stay between these 4 walls in my room forever.

I feel like Mylan atm...

I Wish...

I was stronger. The shit I go through is taking it's toll. There's only so much one can handle. I feel weak thinking about everything. I stress myself out over everything.
I know I am strong, but are you, if you cry and give up some days?

Still have loads of time off work, but what will happen when I go back? Will people laugh at me as someone had said they have been? Will it be easy as I'm keeping myself occupied? NO is the answer, because my weakness is there. It's not fair!

Be strong My-Ha, you've done it before, you can do it again!

Letting Go....

Today, only today did it finally hit me.

LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER 1!

ME!

You tie yourself up into some bubble, where you think life is perfect, where your happy and you feel that nothing in the world will pop this bubble, because, well, because your just overly happy. How long will it last you ask yourself now and then? You ask, but you never answer, because you are too scared to answer this one question you keep asking yourself, because you hope and hope that this bubble will last forever and it will never pop and crush your happiness.

Well let me tell you this, it does, and the person who pops it will be some kid who panics when shit happens, drop things and run when confronted and basically behave like a 6 year old who never get what they want. That kid will be the person who you fell in love with. The kid who you looked after and did everything for. My foreign kid. The kid I taught so much about my life and the surroundings around me. The kid who made friends because of you (me). Kids are ungrateful, truly ungrateful. They won't realise what they have lost until it's gone. I kind of believe this, but when something is gone for so long, you actually just get over it don't you? Truth hurts, but instead of finding another kid like that again, you find a boy, then a teenager, then eventually, you will find yourself a man, who will actually treat you how you've always wanted to be treated. Where you constantly feel you are in that bubble 24/7, 365 days a year.

I realise my kid was a fair weather friend. When things were so good, then the relationship was good. Sharing sweets, stories and laughter. When shit got sour, so did he. He wouldn't know what to do, but do the easiest thing. Drop everything and go.
Go when that best friend needed their friend the most. Pressure and true shit times show who the person really is, and show you real life. It took me a while, but today, I see it. I left and felt good. I felt angry, but good. I hadn't lost a friend, he had lost me.

I could leave the flat today with my head held high. Not giving a damn whether the person hated me for my behaviour or because of who I actually am, because at the end of the day, I can honestly say I was the best to that person, and a even better friend. They lost me forever.

The fact he was meeting another girl that night didn't even hurt. Surprised? Yeah me too, I was shocked, but just shows how weak they are, and how much stronger you are without the need of going out to paint the town red with your blood that you imagined with suicidal thoughts. But no, I was strong. I am strong, and I know, I absolutely know I was the best you ever had and was the most amazing to you.

I hope you find your way around, because I am not there to hold your hand anymore.

Good Bye.

I Wish!

I wish things were how they were. Things were good, things were great, I miss it.

It's been over a week, an awful week. Here's to more difficult days...

Game Over

When one tries very hard and has it thrown back into one's face, one stops trying.

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