Miss Incomplete. . .

Wow, it's been well over a week since I last blogged, and it's been emotional...
The past week has been crazy. Ups and downs, highs and serious lows, BUT I still have the energy to blog!

Yesterday, it hit me hard. I broke down, I broke down like a bitch. I cried all day and I couldn't stop. Losing my bestest and the actual reality of having cancer hit me hard. Hard like a canon ball blasting through Hadrians Wall, but instead, inside me, to my heart.

I never cried when I was told I had cancer. I took it on the chin and walked out thinking,
"Hmmmm, oh shit!" and went to get something to eat. I think I was in denial and didn't let it sink for me to think about it.
I don't think I ever took it seriously and only realised today that it's something terrible that I have and I can't control.

From 12pm onwards yesterday, I cried and cried my eyes out. Not only because I was alone battling this massacre but because it hit me that I can't deal with it anymore...
Uni, work, cancer, family, credit crunch, friends, essays and projects were getting

"WARNING OVERLOAD!"

I cried because I thought I was a stronger person and that I could handle it, but to be honest, I think I was allowed to cry.
I know I'm not a child, I know I'm not a baby who cries all the time, and I know I can handle it. I handled it before, so I'm sure I can still.

I honestly felt suicidal, depressed and alone that no one understood how I felt or no one knew what I was going through. I cried in bed and actually cried to sleep! (oh shit!)
Luke was pretty good to me that day, because he told me positive words and made me kick back into reality and know about myself. He's not all bad. =)

Later that evening my older cousin (sorry for mentioning OLDER cuz! Hehel) called me to see how I was, and yep, I broke down. We had a real heart to heart and I was able to cry and she was able to listen to me babbling on crying every 5 minutes . (Thanks) She told me wise words, which I will use to get me moving forward.

"This two shall pass..."

This too shall pass, basically means that all things go to history in their own time, and something will take it's place that will also pass on to history.

It's a great saying and I will always remind myself of that! Just like when Luke told me about the "Self fulfilling prophecy".
I will always remember that Luke... =)

Anyway... after a heart to heart and a over the phone lecture on art history, I went to bed. Or well I wanted to. I stayed up all night and didn't get any kip till 7.30am. Even speaking to Julia from university at 5 in the morning! I was shocked that she was still up! lol.

That day, Tuesday 16th December, I cried. I was weak, I was alone, I was suicidal, I was depressed BUT I was still alive and still at 22, had the future ahead of me...

Look forward and think positive. =)
x