Saturday, 31 July 2010
I Wish...
I was stronger. The shit I go through is taking it's toll. There's only so much one can handle. I feel weak thinking about everything. I stress myself out over everything.
I know I am strong, but are you, if you cry and give up some days?
Still have loads of time off work, but what will happen when I go back? Will people laugh at me as someone had said they have been? Will it be easy as I'm keeping myself occupied? NO is the answer, because my weakness is there. It's not fair!
Be strong My-Ha, you've done it before, you can do it again!
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Letting Go....
Today, only today did it finally hit me.
LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER 1!
ME!
You tie yourself up into some bubble, where you think life is perfect, where your happy and you feel that nothing in the world will pop this bubble, because, well, because your just overly happy. How long will it last you ask yourself now and then? You ask, but you never answer, because you are too scared to answer this one question you keep asking yourself, because you hope and hope that this bubble will last forever and it will never pop and crush your happiness.
Well let me tell you this, it does, and the person who pops it will be some kid who panics when shit happens, drop things and run when confronted and basically behave like a 6 year old who never get what they want. That kid will be the person who you fell in love with. The kid who you looked after and did everything for. My foreign kid. The kid I taught so much about my life and the surroundings around me. The kid who made friends because of you (me). Kids are ungrateful, truly ungrateful. They won't realise what they have lost until it's gone. I kind of believe this, but when something is gone for so long, you actually just get over it don't you? Truth hurts, but instead of finding another kid like that again, you find a boy, then a teenager, then eventually, you will find yourself a man, who will actually treat you how you've always wanted to be treated. Where you constantly feel you are in that bubble 24/7, 365 days a year.
I realise my kid was a fair weather friend. When things were so good, then the relationship was good. Sharing sweets, stories and laughter. When shit got sour, so did he. He wouldn't know what to do, but do the easiest thing. Drop everything and go.
Go when that best friend needed their friend the most. Pressure and true shit times show who the person really is, and show you real life. It took me a while, but today, I see it. I left and felt good. I felt angry, but good. I hadn't lost a friend, he had lost me.
I could leave the flat today with my head held high. Not giving a damn whether the person hated me for my behaviour or because of who I actually am, because at the end of the day, I can honestly say I was the best to that person, and a even better friend. They lost me forever.
The fact he was meeting another girl that night didn't even hurt. Surprised? Yeah me too, I was shocked, but just shows how weak they are, and how much stronger you are without the need of going out to paint the town red with your blood that you imagined with suicidal thoughts. But no, I was strong. I am strong, and I know, I absolutely know I was the best you ever had and was the most amazing to you.
I hope you find your way around, because I am not there to hold your hand anymore.
Good Bye.
LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER 1!
ME!
You tie yourself up into some bubble, where you think life is perfect, where your happy and you feel that nothing in the world will pop this bubble, because, well, because your just overly happy. How long will it last you ask yourself now and then? You ask, but you never answer, because you are too scared to answer this one question you keep asking yourself, because you hope and hope that this bubble will last forever and it will never pop and crush your happiness.
Well let me tell you this, it does, and the person who pops it will be some kid who panics when shit happens, drop things and run when confronted and basically behave like a 6 year old who never get what they want. That kid will be the person who you fell in love with. The kid who you looked after and did everything for. My foreign kid. The kid I taught so much about my life and the surroundings around me. The kid who made friends because of you (me). Kids are ungrateful, truly ungrateful. They won't realise what they have lost until it's gone. I kind of believe this, but when something is gone for so long, you actually just get over it don't you? Truth hurts, but instead of finding another kid like that again, you find a boy, then a teenager, then eventually, you will find yourself a man, who will actually treat you how you've always wanted to be treated. Where you constantly feel you are in that bubble 24/7, 365 days a year.
I realise my kid was a fair weather friend. When things were so good, then the relationship was good. Sharing sweets, stories and laughter. When shit got sour, so did he. He wouldn't know what to do, but do the easiest thing. Drop everything and go.
Go when that best friend needed their friend the most. Pressure and true shit times show who the person really is, and show you real life. It took me a while, but today, I see it. I left and felt good. I felt angry, but good. I hadn't lost a friend, he had lost me.
I could leave the flat today with my head held high. Not giving a damn whether the person hated me for my behaviour or because of who I actually am, because at the end of the day, I can honestly say I was the best to that person, and a even better friend. They lost me forever.
The fact he was meeting another girl that night didn't even hurt. Surprised? Yeah me too, I was shocked, but just shows how weak they are, and how much stronger you are without the need of going out to paint the town red with your blood that you imagined with suicidal thoughts. But no, I was strong. I am strong, and I know, I absolutely know I was the best you ever had and was the most amazing to you.
I hope you find your way around, because I am not there to hold your hand anymore.
Good Bye.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
I Wish!
I wish things were how they were. Things were good, things were great, I miss it.
It's been over a week, an awful week. Here's to more difficult days...
It's been over a week, an awful week. Here's to more difficult days...
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Game Over
When one tries very hard and has it thrown back into one's face, one stops trying.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Is My Week Off Great Or What!
Roll on trips to the park naked, BBQ's setting the park on fire and Car Boot sale with Gabe on Sunday! YES!
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
I Would Really Like...
...some ATTENTION right now!!
It's not hard is it?
And no, I'm not being a moaning brat!
Perhaps some attention would be nice. Attention in your own time. With me not having to ask and seek for it!
This is getting incredibly boring and frustrating now!
It's not hard is it?
And no, I'm not being a moaning brat!
Perhaps some attention would be nice. Attention in your own time. With me not having to ask and seek for it!
This is getting incredibly boring and frustrating now!
Monday, 17 May 2010
Can You Love Someone Too Much?
...I am an example of that someone.
Is it wrong?
Now that I think about it, yeah it is.
Remember, always put yourself first. No one out there will do, care and love you as much as you would want them to.
Not even Blair and Chuck have a chance. Blair proved she would do anything for Chuck, and that anything turnt into a break up! Shit happens, even when your supposedly in love! How can that happen? (I ask myself)
Love is blind I guess and you have to go through downs to remind yourself that 'ME', 'YOU' are the only ones worth caring for. No one else out there does. Period.
Through life or death, your on your own.
Love is bullshit... (maybe)
Monday, 10 May 2010
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
I Love My Little Brother!
Before he went on holiday, he asked whether he could take one of my Apple t-shirts away on holiday with him, so he could wear it out there. Weirdo.
And here he is, wearing it. Well, in the hotel room, chatting to me on Skype, but still, rather cute! =)
Click on the picture to view it in large. Much better!
See me in the corner wearing it too!
Apple power! Ha!
x
p.s He's still stuck out there with my mum and aunt. I miss them so much! (well, not really)
And here he is, wearing it. Well, in the hotel room, chatting to me on Skype, but still, rather cute! =)
Click on the picture to view it in large. Much better!
See me in the corner wearing it too!
Apple power! Ha!
x
p.s He's still stuck out there with my mum and aunt. I miss them so much! (well, not really)
Monday, 26 April 2010
Kapppooowww!
It hit me today, suddenly, in bed, his bed, while he goes to work, that, Gabe is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time....
The time I was going through radio theraphy to thinking this is the end and nothing good will come out of the situation I was in, to me starting a new work place and accidently falling for someone I didn't even fancy in the beginning! (he already knows that I didn't fancy him! Ha!)
Starting somewhere new with loads of new people, to learning new things and experiencing new things. Gabe is that!
He's new, he's different, he's foreign! ;) he's funny, he's intelligent and most of all, he's direct and himself!
You don't come across people like him often!
Word on the vine when I first started my job was that, ooohhhh Gabe, he's a womaniser or so etc... Yeah obviously that put me off, but also at the same time made me pay more attention. Seeking to find what the big deal was about him???!!!
I called him Scary Starer. That was his name for me to tweet and talk about him without mentioning his real name. It was fun, it was a laugh, it was hella scary!!! The deep stares I would get when waiting by the toilet as he was approaching to it too, the stares I would get when at a work gathering and him wanting to talk to me, just everything, scary...
It turnt into inticing stares after a while and I soon thought,
"ok, why not!" ;)
He was someone I didn't know, he was someone totally new, he was out of the circle, he was on point!
I now sit up in his bed, in his empty flat while he goes and makes the money, ha!, and I realise how much this boy cares for me.
He may not have the beat taste in curtains, but damn, is he just like the best thing ever!!!!
I stress myself out when knowing I don't have to and shouldn't, because I have loved ones who are always there for me.
Causing drama when really, I don't have to. Just giving it time to think about and go over to remembering it was the past. To seize this current day and enjoying every moment of it.
Having amazing friends like Ruth, Kizzi, Alex, Greg, Joshua and Ago are amazing enough, but having a boyfriend who feels the same way is a double whammy! I'm on cloud 9!
It's too much excitement and happiness to take in! :)
He makes me forget about the sticky situation that I'm in. He makes me feel alive when deep down, realisitically, shit could happen anytime soon. He makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world...
Some may ask, why blog such personal information for the www. But it's my blank space to write what I want and share my thoughts and feelings with you. Bit cringing you may say, but fear not, I plan to input some hard core stuff too!
Keep a personal day to day diary? I do, and it's the best thing ever...
Balancing work, friends, relationships, uni work and your own time is stressful, but Gabe makes it so easy!
He makes me feel like I'm a kid again... =D
This is Gabe playing with his Venus fly trap. He fed it a lady bird! Awwwwww!
I have no quarms with life at the moment, well maybe just my ovaries, but hey, I'm loving it!!!
P.S This is so cringing, but I miss Gabe! (and I only saw him like 5 hours ago!)
Bisous!
XOXO
The time I was going through radio theraphy to thinking this is the end and nothing good will come out of the situation I was in, to me starting a new work place and accidently falling for someone I didn't even fancy in the beginning! (he already knows that I didn't fancy him! Ha!)
Starting somewhere new with loads of new people, to learning new things and experiencing new things. Gabe is that!
He's new, he's different, he's foreign! ;) he's funny, he's intelligent and most of all, he's direct and himself!
You don't come across people like him often!
Word on the vine when I first started my job was that, ooohhhh Gabe, he's a womaniser or so etc... Yeah obviously that put me off, but also at the same time made me pay more attention. Seeking to find what the big deal was about him???!!!
I called him Scary Starer. That was his name for me to tweet and talk about him without mentioning his real name. It was fun, it was a laugh, it was hella scary!!! The deep stares I would get when waiting by the toilet as he was approaching to it too, the stares I would get when at a work gathering and him wanting to talk to me, just everything, scary...
It turnt into inticing stares after a while and I soon thought,
"ok, why not!" ;)
He was someone I didn't know, he was someone totally new, he was out of the circle, he was on point!
I now sit up in his bed, in his empty flat while he goes and makes the money, ha!, and I realise how much this boy cares for me.
He may not have the beat taste in curtains, but damn, is he just like the best thing ever!!!!
I stress myself out when knowing I don't have to and shouldn't, because I have loved ones who are always there for me.
Causing drama when really, I don't have to. Just giving it time to think about and go over to remembering it was the past. To seize this current day and enjoying every moment of it.
Having amazing friends like Ruth, Kizzi, Alex, Greg, Joshua and Ago are amazing enough, but having a boyfriend who feels the same way is a double whammy! I'm on cloud 9!
It's too much excitement and happiness to take in! :)
He makes me forget about the sticky situation that I'm in. He makes me feel alive when deep down, realisitically, shit could happen anytime soon. He makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world...
Some may ask, why blog such personal information for the www. But it's my blank space to write what I want and share my thoughts and feelings with you. Bit cringing you may say, but fear not, I plan to input some hard core stuff too!
Keep a personal day to day diary? I do, and it's the best thing ever...
Balancing work, friends, relationships, uni work and your own time is stressful, but Gabe makes it so easy!
He makes me feel like I'm a kid again... =D
This is Gabe playing with his Venus fly trap. He fed it a lady bird! Awwwwww!
I have no quarms with life at the moment, well maybe just my ovaries, but hey, I'm loving it!!!
P.S This is so cringing, but I miss Gabe! (and I only saw him like 5 hours ago!)
Bisous!
XOXO
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Effortless
Stop being the nice girl
Stop being the listener
Stop being the one everyone goes to for their problems
Stop making all the effort
Stop being the over caring person
Stop being the martyr
Stop being the 2nd choice
Stop making excuses for what you think
Stop moaning? Easy,
Stop treatment.
Stop being the listener
Stop being the one everyone goes to for their problems
Stop making all the effort
Stop being the over caring person
Stop being the martyr
Stop being the 2nd choice
Stop making excuses for what you think
Stop moaning? Easy,
Stop treatment.
I Feel Shit!
Recently and more so today, I've felt shit. Yeah literally. The type where you give up, all your hopes and future plans are shattered for whatever reasons, or reasons that make your mind work in the weirdest of ways! The feelings that make you paranoid and make you think some next ways that you usually don't. This could be insecurities, it could be paranoia, it could be shit that's going down, or exactly that. SHIT GOING DOWN!
Session 1 was last week and it was meh. Same shit, different day, but with different hopes. This time, no hopes.
Hoping gets you no where. Whether you hope you will live a happy life with your loved ones and beautiful family, or hopes and dreams of that future you planned all out in your head. Gone, vanished, poof! =(
You live a timeline.
My timeline is slim to none. This is scary. Very scary. Fucked. Overly fucked!
Who do I have to turn to? To make me smile when I feel down.
Skype!
Video calling my little brother and sister out there in mother land is the only thing that makes me forget about the shit things in life and make me smile, and look forward to something. Seeing them!
I may sound selfish and shit, but you know what, I don't really care. I need something. What, you ask? I don't really know myself, but what I do know is that I want is love, honesty, support, and that shoulder to cry on or that person who I can moan to if I feel I need a little rant. I have no one.
Unrealistic as this may sound. I want everything to be perfect. Where I live the overly happy life and positivity follows me wherever I choose to go.
This may seem like one of those depressive posts, but fuck it. I'm dying and so is everyone else I guess.
(Shit, I sound crazy!)
=S
I need change.
Session 1 was last week and it was meh. Same shit, different day, but with different hopes. This time, no hopes.
Hoping gets you no where. Whether you hope you will live a happy life with your loved ones and beautiful family, or hopes and dreams of that future you planned all out in your head. Gone, vanished, poof! =(
You live a timeline.
My timeline is slim to none. This is scary. Very scary. Fucked. Overly fucked!
Who do I have to turn to? To make me smile when I feel down.
Skype!
Video calling my little brother and sister out there in mother land is the only thing that makes me forget about the shit things in life and make me smile, and look forward to something. Seeing them!
I may sound selfish and shit, but you know what, I don't really care. I need something. What, you ask? I don't really know myself, but what I do know is that I want is love, honesty, support, and that shoulder to cry on or that person who I can moan to if I feel I need a little rant. I have no one.
Unrealistic as this may sound. I want everything to be perfect. Where I live the overly happy life and positivity follows me wherever I choose to go.
This may seem like one of those depressive posts, but fuck it. I'm dying and so is everyone else I guess.
(Shit, I sound crazy!)
=S
I need change.
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